This post was originally published as episode #189 of Artists for Joy podcast.
I once heard a story of a famous composer1 who wrote a commission for a prominent opera theater in Prague. Legend has it that on the night before the premiere, following the final dress rehearsal, this composer decided to go to a party instead of finishing the final bit of music left to write: the overture.2 His wife apparently waited for him to come home, gave him drinks, and told him stories to keep him awake long enough to get him to finish. By 7 AM, he was finally done and they submitted the score to the music director in time to make parts for the orchestra to sightread that night at the opening.
Doesn’t that make you feel a little bit better about your procrastination?
Things I’ve done just this week to avoid writing this:
I read all the email newsletters that have been building up this summer.
I deep-cleaned out my kitchen, garage, and laundry room.
I Instagram-ed, Facebook-ed, Instagram-ed, Substack-ed, Facebook-ed, Instagram-ed, Thread-ed…. (All the social media, alternating in no specific order until I was so tired I couldn’t hold up my phone anymore.)
I updated my website
I went to Target, Costco, and Trader Joe’s multiple times
I slept in (which I don’t regret one bit.)
Have you been here? Procrasti-cleaning? Researching? Scrolling? Avoiding the things you need (and maybe also want) to do because…
Because why?
That’s the first thing I want to say about procrastination. It is complicated.
During the almost six weeks on the road, a little book tour, and a little vacation (semi-restful but mostly not), I did not write a single word. I made slides for some workshops, practiced oboe, and made reeds to prepare for concerts, but as far as energy goes, it was a Manager-Energy summer. I remember thinking halfway through the trip, Wow, I have zero desire or energy to create anything new right now. My maker self was hibernating as the loud shouts of the manager led the way.3
I am grateful for my manager self. I needed her to market and coordinate and pack everyone’s suitcases over and over as we traveled to new places. She remembered to pack the snacks. My manager helps assuage my anxiety. She’s got it all together.
I know now that I cannot sustain that kind of focus (more like vigilance) for too long without paying for it. And so, lately, after I finally got home and wanted to start writing again, as I watched myself literally black-trash-bagging my entire house to avoid creating, when the sour mood that comes from the toxic cocktail of anxiety and burnout, when it rose from my belly into my throat, I decided to stop judging myself and get compassionately curious about what is truly going on with me and my beloved creative impulse.
What would it be like for you to get curious and leave judgment behind in this conversation?
Before I tell you what helped me, we first need to shift our lens to compassionate curiosity. Your body, mind, and spirit are amazing—you are coping as best you can. You are probably managing with kids at home and the chaotic lack of schedules. Maybe there’s illness or other unpredictable things you are facing. I want you to witness yourself in this season, look at where you are, and maybe reflect on how you got here.
I probably could have done a better job ensuring I got some maker time to recharge and balance the input/output in my creative life this summer. Still, I’ve never been on a book tour before, much less a book tour on a shoestring budget with two small children and a husband in tow. As I get into some common lies we tell ourselves and the truths to remedy them, I know you’ll need compassion and curiosity to move forward with joy. So, I invite you to stop beating yourself up and take a breath. Be your own friend.
Lie No. 1: When I procrastinate, it means I’m lazy.
Truth: Being unable to get things done is not a moral failing.
Feeling paralyzed and grumpy, feeling stuck and avoidant, is just a symptom of something else. It’s the inner artist child pitching a fit. It is anxiety, overwhelm, perfectionism, fear, or lack of motivation. For me, it was probably all of the above. As long as you call yourself lazy when you can’t get things done, you are not going to the root of the problem. I was avoiding writing because what I really needed was rest, to reduce the clutter in my brain, to slow down. (It was writing this that made me connect my desire to reduce clutter in my brain with my seemingly bottomless energy to clear out my closets!4)
You are not lazy. What would it take for you to believe that? What is behind the avoidance for you? Get quiet and ask yourself, what do I really need?
Lie No. 2: Once I find the right routine, then I’ll feel motivated.
Truth: Routines without compassionate rhythms are pointless.
If you’ve been around for a while, you know my love of routines. Sheesh. I would plan out every hour of the day if I could control the chaos, which I can’t. But this week, in the midst of feeling bad about not writing, in one of my procrastination internet rabbit holes, I rediscovered the work of therapist K.C. Davis of the platform StruggleCare on Instagram and TikTok. K.C. talks with deep honesty about a time post-partum, during COVID, when she was so deeply depressed and anxious that she struggled to care for herself and her family in basic ways. It was a challenge to take a shower or do the laundry. As a therapist, she knew that mental health disorders can do this to you—strip you of the strength to care for yourself. She worked hard to learn new ways of coping, and she brought the internet along with her on the journey. Her book, How to Keep House While Drowning, was a bestseller and has made an incredible impact on the millions who suffer from a deeper procrastination related to depression that keeps them stuck. I loved this quote about routines–
“Forget about creating a routine. You have to focus on finding your rhythm. With routines you are either on track or not. With rhythm you can skip a beat and still get back in the groove.5”
I love the musical metaphor, of course, but this week, I took this to heart. I realized that routines were just my manager trying to take over again. We need both routines and compassionate rhythms. Finding a rhythm requires you to stay loose, attentive, flexible, and free—all things I love and long to be, especially right now. And so the question I am asking myself to counteract this lie about finding the right routine is, What would it look like if it were easy? How can I find a rhythm when routines fail?
If you are in the throes of depression, if you are struggling to care, I want you to know that you are not alone and that there is hope. Being depressed is hard enough; don’t judge yourself for it. You are not lazy. Reach out if you need support6, and keep trying to find the rhythm. Miss a beat? There’s another one coming right up.
Lie No. 3: I’ll wait until I feel inspired.
The verb motivate comes from the Latin verb “to move.” And so, this week, the thought that got me unstuck was:
What if it isn’t the inspiration that makes me feel motivated to move, but the movement that makes me feel motivated/inspired?
Motivation, then, is an action word. It isn’t a lightning bolt that needs to strike you. It is a movement you take, inspired or not, towards the thing you want, trusting that you’ll find the rhythm when you keep showing up. So the question for us here is: What do I want to be moving toward? And how can I take a small step in that direction today?
What is more important than anything we make is the person we are becoming in the process of creating.
The legend of the procrastinating composer in the opening was none other than Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.7 He was said to have written the overture to Don Giovanni the night before the premiere. And before you jump in with thoughts, But he was a genius! He could wait until the last minute and crank it out! A normal person cannot do that! And yeah, perhaps you’re right, but what strikes me about that story this week is how his wife, Constanze Mozart, helped him by keeping him awake.
What if we aren’t as alone as we think, friend?
Bring the shame, fear, overwhelm, and grief surrounding your procrastination to someone else. Let the light shine on it a little bit. You do not have to shoulder the weight of the pressure all by yourself.
Who can you tell about your avoidance and judgment around your procrastination? Who do you trust to hear what it is you need, to brainstorm what it would look like to find a rhythm, who would gently invite you to move, calling you to what matters most?
If you feel isolated, I hope you’ll join our next Creative Cluster.8
I hope you’ll know you are not a “human doing” but a human being.
I hope that today, you’ll find grace and grit as you keep showing up, even when you really don’t feel like it.
You’ll almost always be glad you did.
I know I am.
Keep reading to find out this composer’s identity ;)
That’s the 5 to 10 minutes of music that the orchestra plays before the curtain goes up.
Paul Graham wrote this terrific essay about Maker vs. Manager energy, which I discuss extensively in The Artist’s Joy.
What could you be learning about yourself if you took time to write and reflect?
https://www.strugglecare.com/book
I’ve compiled Mental Health Resources for artists here: https://artistsforjoy.org/help
There is a marked lack of repeatable scholarly writings that elucidate this myth, and yet… it has been widely told in this form.
The next one starts on September 3rd. Register and read more: https://artistsforjoy.org/theartistsway .